Mrs. Dena Gorkin
Disagreements between parents and schools are almost inevitable, given the complex and emotionally charged nature of education. When a parent feels a teacher’s decision, policy, or disciplinary action is unfair, the key is to respond thoughtfully and constructively.
Regulate Yourself First
My first rule of thumb: do not react in front of your child. Before responding, regulate your own emotions. Try a somatic practice like deep breathing or grounding. Talk it out with a neutral third party, such as a friend or mashpia.
Reacting in anger or frustration towards a staff member, especially in front of your child, can escalate the situation further and undermine your ability to advocate effectively. Children often find it harder to share what is going on or them if they expect that their parents will have big reactions themselves. You can try telling your child, “I need time to process this,” or “I want to give this some serious thought.” This not only prevents impulsive reactions but also models a mature, thoughtful way to handle disappointment.
Listen Without Taking Sides
When your child comes home upset, take a neutral stance at first. Just listen and validate: “Wow, that sounds so upsetting.” Avoid jumping to take the side of the school or your child before hearing the full story.
Remember—children view events through a limited lens. Their emotional reaction is based on their perception, which may not reflect the full context. They are processing it based on limited life experience and incomplete information.
By withholding judgment, you model emotional regulation and create a secure and nurturing environment where they can talk openly.
(Corollary: do not let children read parents’ WhatsApp chats or similar. They don’t need to be exposed to parents’ behind-the-scenes opinions about school policies.)
Gather the Facts and Approach Respectfully
Once you have calmed down and understand the situation, decide whether it is worth raising it with the school. If you choose to do so, use the school’s preferred communication channel, which is usually email.
My father had a rule I call the ABC rule: Always Be Cordial. Even if you are upset, stay polite. Anger only puts people on the defensive and closes doors to resolution. Always write clearly and respectfully. If you are unsure about your tone, have a neutral third party review your email. Reviewing your intended speech before communicating your grievance with the school will help you deliver your message effectively.
Keep your purpose in mind: Are you venting, or are you trying to create a solution? The goal is to open dialogue, not to attack or blame. School leaders and staff members always remember the parent who approaches a problem politely and are quicker to communicate with and be open to that parent in the future.
When Change is Not Possible, Accept
Not every disagreement will end in your favor. When the school cannot or will not accommodate your request, your role shifts to helping your child navigate the situation with dignity.
Help your child (and yourself) remember that life is not always fair; it is about accepting what Hashem has in mind for you. Sometimes, the purpose of a situation is that Hashem is giving us an opportunity to learn how to deal with difficult people and remain composed while growing from the experience. Celebrate with your child when they handle the situation gracefully. It is ok to tell a child: “This may not be the year you learn the most Chumash; but it can be the year you learn how to interact with a difficult person successfully.”
Help Your Child Avoid a Victim Mindset
Children benefit greatly from seeing that you “went to bat” for them, even if the outcome was not what they had hoped for. You can say, “We did what we could. Now let’s go forward and deal with this the best we can.” This helps them feel supported while also learning resilience.
Throughout the process of working with the school, keep your relationship with the teacher and school cordial and cooperative. Avoid public confrontations, gossip, or involving your child in adult disputes. Avoid bad-mouthing the school or the teacher to or in front of your child. Your ongoing partnership with the school directly impacts your child’s long-term success.
By handling disagreements with grace and professionalism, you model a powerful example for your children and help foster a positive school community.