Mrs. Estee Lieblich
I’ve seen many parents develop rifts in their relationships with their children because they let school issues spill over into family life. If your child is in conflict with a teacher or experiencing stress at school, don’t let that interfere with your relationship. When your child tells you what happened at school, the most important thing is to avoid reacting emotionally or negatively. If you do, your child will simply stop telling you what’s going on.
Children are very smart; they know not to share with someone who can’t handle what they’re saying. If we want our children to communicate openly with us, we have to learn to bite our tongues and just listen. It’s not about what to say—it’s about what not to say. Just be present and receive whatever they’re sharing. It’s not a teachable moment right then; at that time, your job is to listen.
Later in the day, when you are both feeling calm and connected, you can revisit the topic. If you feel you need to respond, do it then. For example, you might say, “Remember what we talked about earlier today? I know that was a really difficult situation for you.” Ask questions like, “How can I help you? What could the school do differently? What can you do differently?” But also, this is the time to gently share your perspective and give clear, confident direction that can be helpful to them in navigating the current situation, as well as similar situations in the future. Children gain tremendously by us sharing our values and perspectives with them. So long as it’s done when they are open to receiving it.
If the school calls you before your child tells you about an incident, don’t bring it up as soon as the child comes home from school.
Be honest that you know about it, but again, just listen to their perspective. When a child is overwhelmed by emotion, they’re not receptive to lessons or advice. If you try to teach in that moment, it only activates their ego and defensiveness, making them hold more tightly to their own perspective.
Our best bet is to listen and let them know we were told about the incident, but to keep our response neutral. Later, when things are calm, you can discuss what happened and share your thoughts. It’s okay to let your child know if something wasn’t respectful or in line with your family’s values, but do it in a safe, supportive moment.
Ultimately, the goal is to keep the lines of communication open and to make home a safe haven, not an extension of school discipline. This approach helps your child feel supported and understood, and it preserves your relationship even when school is challenging. The goal is for children to feel comfortable coming to their parents when they are faced with a challenge.