Mrs. Dena Gorkin
If we want our children to want to be close to the family, we have to intentionally create an atmosphere of warmth and love that keeps drawing them in. It is about the little things you do together—inside jokes, trips now and then, shared privileges, working side-by-side in the kitchen, or a Motzei Shabbos where everyone plays music and sings together. It is about what happens around your Shabbos or Yom Tov table. It is about singing the Pesach songs from your family’s traditions. There have to be special moments that make being part of your family something your kids would choose over spending time with friends.
Even small rituals matter—a cousin once noticed that after we bench licht, I hug my daughter and kiss her forehead. She was so touched by this scene and commented to me on how special it was to observe. I had always done this and never gave it a second thought, but her words made me realize: That’s a special minhag for us. These little things are not really little; they shape our family’s identity, our family culture.
These things do not just happen by accident. It is important to think carefully about our family culture—who we want to be and what kind of family we want to be—and to build meaningful rituals and experiences intentionally. Sometimes we have to adjust traditions as the family changes.
As the kids get older, we try to include them in decisions and traditions to make them feel part of the experience. If a child wants a quick Shabbos meal instead of a long one, sometimes we do that. For Yom Tov, each child might choose a theme for a meal, giving them ownership and making it more fun. Maybe there are fewer guests. The key is tuning in to who the kids are right now and adapting as needed. Teenagers might want to participate less or spend Yom Tov away for the first time. That is normal, even if it is disappointing to us. I try to listen and not get stuck on “this is how we always did it.” What worked before might not work now—and that is okay.
I have to pick my battles and remember it is not about doing everything exactly the way it was done before. As long as my children are healthy and safe, that’s what truly matters.
We try to understand what makes each child want to be at the Shabbos table, and I am willing to change things to make that happen. Even if they want to drop some family rituals or traditions as they grow, that is okay. If we need to spend a little more money or time to accommodate a specific request, we try to make that happen.
The goal is to make the family a place where the kids want to be, creating an atmosphere that draws them in. It is all about keeping our family close.