Mrs. Dena Gorkin
This is a delicate balance. Teens are developing their independence at this point, but we still want to help them make good decisions for themselves or with them. And, we just want to be in their lives and show how much we love and care for them.
I have found that with teenagers, the words I choose to use matter. For example, I learned not to say “I am proud of you” because it puts my emotions and judgment on them, and that can feel uncomfortable, especially for teenage boys. Instead, I say things like “I am impressed” or I just describe the behavior: “That seems to have been a sensible thing to do,” or “Looks like you made a good decision there.” It’s better to talk about what they did, rather than how I feel about it, because teens are already dealing with a lot of their own emotions; they don’t necessarily want to take on other people’s emotions, good or bad. When you describe their actions, it helps the kids recognize the strengths they have: I am sensible. I am responsible. I make good decisions.
When something happens and I am not so impressed, I try to describe the situation and ask, “What did you think was going to happen when you did that?” or “What was your thought process?” Tone matters here – a lot. I want to help them learn the skill of thinking things through, even in retrospect. I want them to think about the future and what they might do differently, but I try not to put my emotions on them.
If I sense something is up but I don’t know what, I will pick up on little clues—maybe a word, a name, or a time—and I will say, “Tell me about Motzei Shabbos.” Most of the time, they will be surprised. I know something happened, but I tell them, “If it happened, and even one other person was present, it has a chance to get back to me.” I follow the breadcrumb trail, watching their reactions, and try to pick up on what’s really going on. It is less important to get all the facts than it is to help my child understand what they did and what they could have done differently.
It is important to create an environment where kids know they can talk to us. That trust starts when they are very young, by reacting calmly and showing them that nothing is too big or too scary for us to handle. I tell them, “There’s nothing so big or so scary or so embarrassing that I can not hold it with you.” That way, as they grow into teenagers, they know I’m their safe adult. I’m the person they will come to when they inevitably mess up.
If I fly off the handle or dump my emotions on them, they will not come to me when something goes wrong. They will go to their friends or someone else who they think can handle it. That might not be a safe person, and it definitely will not be someone who loves or cares for them more than I do. So, I work on being emotionally regulated myself, so my kids feel safe coming to me, even with the hard stuff.