Mrs. Dena Gorkin
This is a tough situation that many parents face today. If we want to bring our children back to Hashem and our values, we must recognize that the path back is through trusted adults in our children’s lives—especially parents. You can inspire and encourage, or even try to convince or force, but nobody benefits from being pressured in their Avodas Hashem.
The connection with you is their connection with Hashem—you’re the conduit. Keeping that connection strong is a protective factor and gives you your best hope that someday they will reconnect spiritually as well.
If the child feels loved by their parents, they have a chance to come back. If they feel broken by their parents, it’s much less likely. So your work at this point is to focus on being the connection and strive to keep that relationship strong, no matter what.
It may be hard to watch your child turn their back on what you value deeply. There may be some ego in there, too—thinking maybe this child somehow reflects on you or your parenting. The Rebbe was once asked: “How can kids from good families go off the path? Is it not true that the apple does not fall far from the tree?”
He replied, “Yes, but when there are strong winds, the apple can be blown far from the tree.” So we do our best to counter those winds. The best way is to be loving and warm—and also set standards. But when a child is struggling, your job is simply to love, not necessarily to push those standards, because pushing usually does not lead toward the standards. I see parents with children who come to family events dressed however they want, and the parents do not bat an eyelash. Maybe in private, they are crying—but when it comes to the relationship, there is nothing more important than showing love and acceptance.
Parenting kids today is an incredibly challenging job. It is holy and special. I always daven for strength for all parents to do their very best for each child, in the way that the child needs.