Mrs. Dena Gorkin
If the school has a practice or a rule that is different from what we do at home, I explain to my kids that these are the school rules, and these are our family’s rules. For example, the school brings in or allows candies or sugar-laden donuts. When my children were young, I had very clear rules about food—no foods with additives, no caffeine. And if we were going somewhere, I would bring snacks I was comfortable with.
One day, my son, then in second grade, came home and reported that there had been a birthday party at school. He told me the birthday boy gave each child in the class a can of Coke, and he did not take one because he is not allowed to drink it. I was impressed that he took my rule seriously enough that he was able to resist the peer pressure even when he could have “gotten away with it”. In response to his actions, I took all of my kids out for a treat, showing them that when they stick to their principles, it benefits everyone.
And yes, sometimes, kids will “cheat” and eat candy at school even if we don’t allow it at home. That is okay. It is even a healthy testing of the boundaries. Encountering moral dilemmas and learning how to make decisions that are good for them are part of growing up.
This is a challenge that many Shluchim face. Very often, their local school standards do not match the Lubavitcher frumkeit standards. In these cases, parents tell their children things like “yes, it is kosher, but it is not our kosher. You are in this school as a shliach, to set an example of what it means to strive for more in our observance.”
When we send our children to a Lubavitcher school that has Rabbanim and Chassidishe Mashpiim, we have to be a lot more cautious about how we approach these situations. School leaders consult regularly with the Rabbanim who guide them. When situations arise where you feel the school, or a particular teacher, is overly stringent or is not stringent enough, it is important to speak to your own Rav or Mashpia to discuss how to handle the situation for the best outcome for your child.
I have personally witnessed situations where a parent is overly zealous about a school rule, whether feeling that the reading material was too secular or the uniform shirt buttons were too far apart. I have also witnessed parents attack school administrators and teachers over information that was taught that did not meet their higher standards. These conflicts do not evoke goodwill from the school, nor do they bring about the desired result for the children. It can create embarrassment for the children, and ultimately a discomfort with the very standards these parents are trying to uphold.
On the other hand, when the school is stricter than the home, it is not something one can just ignore. In these situations as well, it is important for parents to consult their own Rav or Mashpia. If the contradiction between the two is causing your child distress, it has to be dealt with on an individual basis. Some children do not have the tolerance or the flexibility to handle the difference in standards, and in these cases, a change in the family practices might be considered. In other cases, a parent can say, “These are the school rules, and this is what we do at home.” As long as “what we do at home” adheres to Halacha, most children can be comfortable with the disparity in standards. Communities are made up of many different types of families, each with its own family culture, and that is part of what makes it an interesting place to live.