Mrs. Dena Gorkin
First, let me share what not to say: avoid phrases like “How dare you do that to our family name,” or “Not under my roof.” Anything that even sounds like the child no longer belongs in the family unit is dangerous territory. You’ve just opened a door for your child to take their first step out. Often, what they’re doing is testing if you’ll open that door or hold your family close in a loving environment, no matter what.
There is nothing more grounding and safe for a child than their family. Families are a critical protective factor that helps keep kids safe and guides them away from the many risky things the world offers. It’s not a guarantee—but it’s the strongest protection there is.
Yes, it is frustrating and scary when your child is acting out or making risky choices. Maybe you do not know where she is late at night, and you are tearing your hair out. But here is the truth: your job is not to “fix” your child. Your child’s job is to grow into the person they are meant to be—and your role is to be the parent who always welcomes them in, creating a safe emotional space they want to come toward.
Recognize that Hashem charted a path for your child that includes you. How do you want to be part of that path? It might not look like the family you dreamed of, and it will not always be easy—but you are growing as a parent and as a person. The children who challenge us the most are the ones Hashem gave us specifically to help us grow into our best selves. Sometimes that means learning new parenting skills and mindsets tailored to this particular child. Sometimes it means learning how to just listen.
Your goal is to create an atmosphere where your child feels your love and protection, no matter what they are doing. Sometimes that even means making surprising choices—like inviting your daughter’s boyfriend into your home—because deep down you know if you do not, she will find a way to see him regardless, and you risk losing any supervision at all, along with your relationship and connection with her. If she is playing in dangerous waters, she may truly need you when things go awry, and you need to have that close (enough) relationship.
So ask yourself: do you want to be part of pushing her out the door, or part of the warm, supportive hug that keeps her close?
We say every day, המכין מצעדי גבר – “Who prepares the steps of mankind.” Hashem prepared your child’s steps as well. You did not decide this path, but you were given the sacred and awesome responsibility to support it in the best way you can.