How should I talk to my children about risky behaviors, like alcohol or staying out late (like during Tishrei)?
Rabbi Aharon Wilschanski
This is a topic that comes up often, and it is one that parents should approach with both honesty and sensitivity. As children grow older, they naturally seek more independence — and with that comes exposure to new situations and temptations, like alcohol or late nights out.
When you talk to your child about these issues, do so with sensitivity, respect, and understanding. It is important to set clear boundaries while also recognizing that your little boy is becoming a young adult. With each stage of life comes greater maturity and independence — and our guidance needs to grow along with them.
Focus on Values, Not Just Rules
Do not just focus on the rules — focus on the values behind them. Explain why certain boundaries exist and how they connect to your child’s personal and spiritual growth. Instead of simply saying, “do not drink,” talk about the reasons behind that rule — the potential dangers, the long-term effects, and the importance of making responsible choices. This helps your child internalize the message and see its relevance to their life.
Be Clear and Direct
This is not the time for ambiguity or avoidance. Do not hide behind “I can not talk about this.” Your child needs to hear from you.
Talk openly about the dangers of underage drinking — whether it is pressure to take a drink or simple curiosity. Acknowledge that it can be difficult, and explore strategies for handling those moments. Encourage your child to come to you — or another trusted adult — if they ever feel uncomfortable or unsure. Let them know that facing challenges is normal and that asking for help is a sign of strength. Keep the lines of communication open, so they know they’re not alone — and that it is safe to come to you for help. No matter what happened, you will support them, not judge them.
The Role of Adults in the Environment
Let’s face it — the bochurim will be around alcohol. So what can we, as parents and adults, do to help them navigate this safely?
First, we can not place all the responsibility on the boys themselves. They are still kids. It is up to us to help create an environment where it is easier to make responsible choices.
Mashpiim and others leading — or even just participating in — farbrengens (or any setting where alcohol may be present) should be responsible adults who model appropriate behavior. The best education does not come from lectures or scare tactics; it comes from what they see and experience in real life, day after day. Children absorb more from observation than from instruction — especially from their parents and their educators. If you model self-control and healthy choices, you give them a living example to follow. Share your own experiences honestly, along with the lessons you’ve learned. Your actions today will shape their approach for their future.
Monitoring Their Exposure to Alcohol
While you cannot monitor your child’s every move, regular check-ins — with teachers, trusted local adults, and even directly with your child — are key to staying informed and involved, especially when they are away from home.
The Ultimate Goal
Ultimately, the goal is to equip your child with the tools and values they need to make safe, responsible decisions — even when you are not there to guide them directly. With open dialogue, clear expectations, and strong family values, you give your child a foundation to face these challenges with confidence and clarity.
How to Talk About Alcohol
You can discuss this with your young teenager:
Everything Hashem created can be used for good, or unfortunately, for the opposite of good. Alcohol is no exception. While Jewish tradition includes occasions where alcohol is used, such as Kiddush or the Four Cups at the Pesach Seder, this refers to wine consumed at the proper time, in the proper amount, and in the proper way.
From the story of Noach, we see how drinking without proper boundaries can lead to harmful or improper outcomes. Think of it like driving: driving is powerful and useful, but we would never hand the keys to a 10-year-old or drive without a seatbelt. Driving requires maturity and responsibility, which is why there are rules and laws for safety.
The same applies to alcohol. If not used appropriately, it is not good and can lead to serious consequences. It must be approached with maturity, responsibility, boundaries, moderation, and the proper timing and context.